I love you even though you're an asshole
Thursday (November.20)
I'm tired of everything being my fucking fault. It's not and you know it. You're just pissed because I started to feel better. Then you were more pissed because I told you I was over you.
Shut up. Stop being selfish. You broke up with me asshole, you don't get to be angry.
I took the time to do what I needed to do in order to be friends again. If it matters so fucking much to you, you should do the same. You're mean. I'm mean too sometimes, but not often. And I appologize when I am. You don't care how you make me feel. You don't even give it a second thought.
God forbid I tell you how I feel about anything. It always has to turn into something ridiculous where I get mad and cry and you tell me to fuck myself and die, or something worse.
I'm not a "quitter". I keep trying when I know I shouldn't. Don't bitch when you keep giving me reasons to give up on you and I start to get tired and consider it. Saying I don't try at that point is a real bitch move.
Frankly, I don't know why I care about you at all right now. You haven't given me a reason to in weeks.
I'll know when you read this because you'll probably be an even bigger jerk on that day just like last time.
If you didn't want me dating other people, maybe you shouldn't dumped me.
There is this thing it's like talking except you don't talk
Saturday (November.8)
music: Sing by The Dresden Dolls
I feel like I'm slowly starting to feel better, thank goodness. I mean, I go through "phases" I guess where I'm really depressed even if I don't have a real reason to be. I don't know why. But that's not what this was and I'm glad it's subsiding finally.
I've really felt like my life was just a mess and I haven't known what to do about it. I can't say for sure that I know now either, but I've made some choices finally and I feel better at least knowing that I've got some things taken care of.
First of all, I'm not going to school next semester. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. I know a lot of people who quit don't go back. And I do really like school, so I don't really want to stop. But this is my 3rd year of going and not knowing what I want to do. It's frustrating and even though I know it shouldn't be, it's kind of embarrassing. And because I get so stressed about it I'm not doing as well as I could, at all. Not to mention I don't exactly have the extra money to just go. So I've decided to wait a while.
I'm going to pay off my credit card bills and try to move out. Maybe not to Kalamazoo because it's pretty expensive. But I looked at some really nice ones in PawPaw for $600 a month. That's really not bad for a two bedroom apartment that's in pretty amazing condition. Plus I already work there. We'll see. I'm just not sure I'll be able to afford it. But I don't really want a roomate right now. I think it'll be good for me to be on my own for a change, without feeling the need to answer to someone or ask permission for everything. And I don't know what Sam's deal is right now, but I decided awhile ago I didn't want to live with her. But if I have to find someone I will, though I'm not sure who.
Hopefully I won't need to. I'm going to find a second job since I won't be in school. I make around $1200 a month right now. I pay a little more than $300 together for my car payment and insurance. My phone bill is around $60 or $70. And that's about it really, if I'm not going to school. I think if I had another part-time job I'd be okay.
Also, I went on some dates this week. This girl I work with, Jodi (who, by the way, I think might become my new best friend), set up a double date with her boyfriend, Harman, and their friend Kyle. It was pretty fun actually. We went to a movie and then back to Kyle's house and hung out for a while. Then Jodi and Harman left and Kyle and I talked for awhile. He's pretty nice.
And the night before last Mitchell asked me out. Mitchell's name is actually Ashley, and we used to be best friends. I found out later that she's a lesbian and always had quite a crush on me. Anyway, she took me to dinner and we've been hanging out. I don't actually know that I'm ready to jump on the vagina-wagon, but I did really miss being her friend. She wants to break up with her girlfriend and move in together, by the way.
So, life's kind of interesting I guess.
For Ashley
My septum's healing really quickly actually. The tip of my nose hurt for the rest of day but that's pretty much it. Oh, and sometimes when I move the ring a little funny and think it like, hits my sinuses funny or something and I need to sneeze SO badly and my eyes water. It's more annoying than anything. But I can tell that the more it heals the less it feels that way so I'm not too worried. And are you kidding, no way I would ever do it myself. No, no, no. But I do really like it, I wasn't sure I would. Apparently my mood swings are not limited to inducing shopping sprees and spur of the moment tattooing. Who knew?